the WAY TO A PERFECT FAMILY
Hsihu Center, Formosa. Oct.8, 1995.Itis not by talking that we love a person. Most people shout veryloudly their love -- "love, love, love!" It sounds disgusting.If you truly love a person, people would sense it without seeingyou, without hearing from you. If you do not have the duty ofbeing a Master or any great mission that requires you to leavehome, you should treat your family well, take care of your relativesand friends, and influence them by love. True love is not shownby word of mouth -- not by talking. If you truly love your husbandyou should learn how to cook well for him and put on makeup toshow your beauty to him.
Dress Up Only For Your Husband Being a wife previously, I did not dress upwhen I went to work during the day. It was truly like that. Forwhom do you dress up for during the day time? Even if the wholeworld adoringly stares at you, what benefit would you get? Ifyour husband does not even want to look at you, can you bear it?During the day time it is necessary to protect and nourish yourskin by putting on skin cream, etcetera. In the evening when yourhusband comes back, then you may light up the candles, wear beautifulclothes, and put on makeup for him. It should be like this thatyou love your husband; it is not by talking.
You do not know how to cook, your body smellsawful but you just do not care, and you dress like the head ofa gang of beggars everyday; but still you expect your husbandto love you. How can he? He is merely a human too. He has hisown shortcomings. He has his preferences, but nothing in you candelight him. Still you force him to love you, but even God cannotforce him!
I know this kind of situation would be uncomfortablefor the husband. He wants to love his wife but he cannot. Thereis nothing that can make him love her.
Therefore, when we love a person, we shouldbe aware of what he loves the most, and then offer him what heis fond of. Only in this way can you say you love him. It's notby speaking repeatedly day and night, without taking care of yourselfand your family.
The house is not cleaned for two or three months.The face is not washed for two months. You dress untidily. Eventhough you dress up beautifully when you are away from home; butafter you come back home, you look like a beggar for your husband.This is because you do not understand the essentials.
If you give much thought to your marriage,it must be happy ones. You don't have to be as pretty as Hsishi(an ancient Viet beauty). Every girl is pretty in some aspects.If you think you are not beautiful, you can learn how a moviestar walks, how a beauty sits, and learn how she takes care ofherself. Nowadays, you can learn these things by reading booksor making a phone call to consult a specialist. You can learn.There is no reason why a wife or husband cannot do house work.
I think it's not a question concerning practice,but you often come over or write letters to ask about family problemswhich trouble you the most. I understand that if you do not havepeace with your family, you would have no way to calm down, youwould not be able to enter samadhi when you meditate. Marriageis also connected with practice. That's why it's said, "Buddha'sway cannot be isolated from the mundane way." I cannot justsay because they are mundane things, I will not answer your questions.However, you did not apply what I have told you. All of you said,"I understand! I understand! I have listened to many boxesof video tapes." (Audience laughs.) But you always ask thesame questions.
Master's Wise Ways Should Be Applied The problem is not that Master does not answeryou, rather you do not practice what I say. If medicine is prescribed,but you do not take it, then your disease will not be cured. Masterhas talked and told both husbands and wives; but there are sometrivial things you have not yet learned, such as you should brushyour teeth for 3 - 5 minutes. If you do not know how to brush,ask your dentist. You may brush twice or three times! Brush, thenbrush again or twice more. Your teeth should be clean by then.Nowadays there are many kinds of mouthwashes, perfumes, soaps,etcetera, which can remove body odor.
You should dress beautifully to look nice.The clothes do not necessarily have to be expensive ones; otherwise,you would not be able to change them everyday. You may make themyourself or buy cheaper ones, colorful ones. If you are lively,whatever clothes you wear would make you look beautiful. It'snot necessary that they have to be expensive ones.
Most of the clothes I wear are made here --very cheap. I just buy a piece of cloth, it can be made immediatelyinto a dress. Sometimes I go to buy clothes on sale on the roadside.That colorful skirt I wore two weeks ago was bought in Taipei.It's worth less than a few dozen NT dollars only. The way it'smade is also simple. You all said Master was beautiful, but infact it did not cost much.
Different Ways For Different Occasions Don't buy dress that are too expensive; otherwise,you cannot change frequently. Be wiser. They are sold cheaplyin some places, but they are beautiful. It's good as long as itsuits you. If you knew how to match your clothes, you would lookbetter. This wouldn't cost you much. No need to complain thatyour husband didn't give you much money, so you cannot make yourselfbeautiful. Only a stupid person would donate money to dress shops.We should donate to ourselves, instead of the bosses of dressshops. (Audience laughs.)
It's the same for men. When you practice, sureyou should wear simple clothes -- comfortable and loose, whichmake you feel comfortable when you sit. However, when you go backhome or go out with your wife, you should dress fashionably, tidyyourself up, and make yourself look good. Accompanied by a handsome,nice looking man, the wife would be proud. Do you think she wouldlike to go out with a beggar? (Audience laughs.) You want yourwife to look beautiful and nice, then how about yourself? Youwear worn out sports trousers when you sit in the Ashram, andwhen you take your wife out, you still wear clothes like this.
Practice has its principles. Going out to doworldly things also has its principles. The two cannot be mixedup. Then you complain to me: "Practice makes me become likethis." You guys really humiliate your Master. You don't knowwhen to advance and when to retreat. You don't know the properway. You don't know what to do according to the situation. Youdon't know how to handle an altered situation. That means youdo not have wisdom. Master's disciples should not be like this.Don't shame my name. If you are like this, don't tell others thatyou are the disciple of the "Ching Hai Wu Shang Shih SupremeMaster Ching Hai Zhu." (Master and audience laugh. Audienceapplauds.)
Be Dedicated To Maintain You Marriage It's not very difficult to obtain something,but it's difficult to keep it. You have to know what to do. Youhave to pay the price for everything. Is it not so? If you wantto have a Benz, you have to pay back the loan for a period oftime. The Benz also drinks gasoline like a fish and you need topay a lot of insurance. You also have to pay a lot of money forthe maintenance of the car. If you want to keep a Benz, you haveto pay the price. Or you may buy a Yulong or some other modelof car.
You became careless after you got married.You did not look after yourself. Then your husband ran away fromyou and you came crying to me. What's the use of crying to me?You should go to the beauty parlor and cry, then they will helpyou and tidy you up. (All laughed.) They would cut and perm yourhair, stretch your skin, cut your eyelids, prop up your nose,and rebuild your ears. These things may help. But what's the useof crying to me? Even if I can summon the wind and rain, I cannotcall your husband back. Sometimes when I see you, I also wantto find another wife for your husband. (Master and audience laugh.)You yourself are in a mess, but you still force your husband tolove you. How can it be possible?
Nowadays both the wife and the husband haveto look after themselves. The body has to be clean -- bathe frequently,brush your teeth and rinse your mouth carefully. Go to see yourdentist or other doctors regularly. See what needs to be fixedand fix it. You have to be neatly dressed. If you dress untidilywith clothes that are worn out, your husband would not even wantto look at your face. How could he love you? Those girls outside,they are not married. Therefore they put a lot of attention onapplying powder, spraying perfume, taking baths, brushing teeth,visiting beauty parlors, etcetera. You have to look after yourself,then your husband will love you. This is the person you were beforeand this is also the reason why your husband loved you, isn'tit?
It is a psychological problem of we human beings.It's the same for both men and women. Having one is not enoughbecause one person only has one quality and is only good in oneaspect. For example, if she can cook, then she is not good atcleaning the house. She may know both -- how to cook and cleanthe house, but she may not know how to do other things. Maybeshe doesn't know how to put on makeup. Even occasionally goingout with her would make you lose face and want to hide her somewhere.When she goes to talk with others, they would hold their nosesbecause she smells awful. Sometimes when the body smells awfulor is dressed untidily, everything is terrible. In addition, ifyou cannot even cook, then "Good bye!" (Audience laughs.)
We cannot force others to love us, if we arenot worth it. If you failed to be a good husband or wife, youhave to think for yourself: "Why have I failed? How can Iimprove? Can I succeed next time? Why couldn't I do well in thisaspect?" If you really cannot, then quit. If you can, thenimprove yourself; learn diligently until you succeed. It's assimple as that! Why does your husband love another woman? We don'thave to hate her. We should go and learn from her whatever advantagesshe may have. If you know that woman, go and learn what made yourhusband fond of her, and do the same after going back home; oryou may do better than she does. Then your husband would of coursenot want to leave you. It is because the husbands or wives loveus that they married us. Where has that love gone? It is impossiblethat the love has disappeared completely. It is we who did nottake care of the marriage, or we did not pay much attention toit, or did not love the husband or wife, or were too lazy to improveourselves. Later we realize that it was our fault; but then itis too late.
It's the same in doing worldly things. If wewant to succeed, we have to work hard. Understand? Worldly thingshave to be done in a worldly way rather than in a spiritual way;otherwise, it is taking useless advantage of the spiritual power.
When I was in Africa, I got to know a princeand several princesses. They told me that all the members of theroyal family have to learn witchcraft and a lot of magic. Theywould then be able to know who is bad, who is good, etcetera.They can also make you love them using their magic, which wouldmake you follow him without your awareness. Is there any benefitin using magical power?
Long time ago, when disciples just startedto come, I did not have time to teach them. One female disciple'shusband left her, so she came to me and cried loudly. She requestedme to teach her magic, to make her husband come back and loveher. I told her, "I don't have such magic. Even if I had,I would not impart it to you. I do not like black magic but Iknow a lot of white magic. Do you want to learn?" She said,"Yes." I said, "You should speak a bit softer,put on makeup more beautifully. Occasionally you should wear newclothes, but not necessarily expensive ones. You should sometimeschange your moods; do not always be sweet, graceful or stubborneveryday. You should occasionally change according to the situation."
This is because men like different kinds anddifferent characteristics of women. It's the same with us, thewoman. You cannot like only one characteristic everyday the same-- dull (audience laughs), without a change. It seems good butnot truly good. Sometimes it is not bad to be a little bad. Havea change!
Variety Keeps Love Fresh Most men like variety. If you already knowthis and you also want to keep your husband then keep changingyourself. Otherwise take a few woman home as wives for your husband.What do you prefer? If you prefer having peace in the family andkeeping your husband at home, take a few wives for him becausehe likes variety and different characteristics for different days.It would be the best if you could play various characters to meethis needs. It's the same for the husband. Then the family wouldhave peace and there would be no need to come to me and cry loudly.
You all have magical power. Keep your bodyclean and sweet smelling all the time. Rinse your mouth and brushyour teeth before you talk. Don't do this: after eating garlicand onion, you go to him and tell him, "I love you!"(Master and audience laugh.) At that time, no matter how romanticit may be or how many candles you light, it won't help. Thosetrivial matters may scare him. I was scared previously.
If someone smells awful, I cannot bear it.I would want to vomit and cannot talk with him about anything.My attention would be diverted, and I would always think: "Whydidn't he clean his mouth?" I would keep thinking like thisand my mind would not be able to concentrate on him, but onlythink how to escape from this atmosphere: "When will he stoptalking?" or "How can I let him know it?", etcetera.All the inspiration would be lost. So don't blame him for notloving you. How can he love you? He does not even have enoughtime to try to run away from you! If you were him, you would notlike it as well!
But it also depends. Maybe your husband likesthat kind of smell, then keep it! (Audience laughs.) You haveto clarify this with him! For those people who are at high levels,they will not like that kind of awful smell. Therefore we haveto raise our level, look after ourselves without blaming others.In case someone doesn't like us or your husband or wife runs awayfrom you, we have to ask ourselves: "Why?" Truly andfrankly ask ourselves what mistakes we have made and whether wehave achieved what the other party has expected us to achieve.Then we would know the reasons. No need to come and ask Masterand request for magic. That's no use! Even if I taught you thatkind of magic -- like seizing your lover's heart, controllinghis mind, making him stay beside you, would you prefer this? Wouldyou love that dull-looking wife or husband who is obsessed withyou? He would not truly love you, but would be only bound andlost in you. His mind would become confused. He would start tolike what he did not like before. It's also a kind of mental disorder.Would you like this abnormal wife or husband? (Audience answer:"No, we would not like this.")
Therefore I tell you that magic is useless.We should only convince others with our own qualities, virtuesand inner beauty. Externally we respect ourselves, which wouldbe pleasing to the eyes of others; your voice would melt the heartsof whomever listens to it; or our behavior, action and the mannerwith which we treat others will touch them. This kind of lovewill last longer instead of resorting to magic so easily.
I know that family problems trouble you themost, don't they? (Audience: Yes!) Sometimes it makes us feelbad. I know it. For example, you are very loyal people. Especiallyafter initiation, you want to abide by Master's instructions andsincerely want to take care of your family -- loving your wifeor husband. But sometimes you cannot bear it; you feel bad, struggle,and feel guilty. I know these are the most troublesome thingsthat bother you. But some wives just stagnate and refuse to improve.She does not look after herself, does not care whether her husbandloves her or not, does not care whether she is attractive or not,whether she is lively. She does not express to her husband thatshe respects and cares about her husband's opinions. She doesn'teven care whether her husband loves her or not. Both the husbandand the wife are stuck there. The husband, as well as the wife,are like this. Both blame each other and drag each other down.One rots, the other rots more. No one cares about the other. Thenit becomes worse and worse until no one wants to look at eachother, and finally throws the precepts back to Master and says:"I feel really bad. I'm sorry, but I have to find anotherone anyhow." Sometimes it's useless to find another one.Changing to another doesn't mean things will become better. Laterit will be the same. You marry another lady and she will rot aswell as the previous one, exactly the same.
Only When You Can Do Small ThingsWell Then You Can Attempt To DoGreat Things After marriage few people still try to preservethe marriage -- respect each other like a guest, or pay attentionto one's behavior and manners, as well as the internal virtuesand attractiveness. Most people who annoy each other, stick thereand become worse and worse. Life can not be beautiful like this.If you want to be monks, you may come here and rot together, noproblem. But if you want to live in society, you have to try toprotect your family -- offer each other a joyful atmosphere andmake life happy. When you are at home, you should look after yourselfand look after your husband or wife. Sometimes the husband shouldremind her, ask her: "Why haven't you combed your hair lately?"Ask her: "How long since you last took a bath?" Sayit humorously. Remind each other and respect each other.
If we lose our spirit, the marriage will belost for sure. Both parties cannot attract each other. If we ourselvesdo not want to live, how can the other party love us? We do nothave inner spirit; we do not want to strive; we are not happyinside and do not care about anything. If you do not care aboutyourself, who else will care about you? Your husband is also ahuman being, not a piece of wood. All human beings love truth,virtue and beauty. If something is beautiful, for sure he willlike to look at it. But if the one at home is so ugly, of coursehe will look somewhere else. I would do so as well. (Audiencelaughs.) Then you blame each other. That's no good!
We have to examine ourselves first. If youdo not know how to cook, cook according to the recipe! Life isbusy for some, that's true. But some are not that busy. The husbandgoes to earn money, and you stay at home. You may use some ofthe time each year to learn something. You may tell yourself thatwithin these three months I must learn how to cook. Even thoughyou know nothing about it, you would know after you learn it!I'm sure it would work. I guarantee it! There are many placesthat teach people how to cook vegetarian meals. Even though youcook meat dishes, you still have to learn. Those who do not wantto follow Master's teachings and who are not fellow practitionerswould still have to learn if they wanted to cook meat dishes fortheir husbands. Since you were never taught to cook when you wereyoung, how can you know this automatically?
After learning how to cook, you may continueto learn how to make clothes, how to dance, etcetera. It's notenough just to cross your legs in practice everyday, you shouldalso accompany your husband for leisure activities. What happensafter you become a Buddha? -- Aren't there still things to do?Life still goes on. Is that not so?
Therefore life must have some variety and vitality.Otherwise you may also build a cave, lock yourself inside, anddie! (Master laughs.) If you want to die, die definitely. If youwant to live, live with spirit, interestingly and meaningfully;because we also have to set an example for others. Otherwise,everyone would think that after learning with "Ching HaiWu Shang Shih The Supreme Master Ching Hai Zhu" (audiencelaughs), one becomes good at nothing and even looks worse thanbefore -- dressing like the head of a gang of beggars.
After eating what you cooked, he even considersescaping abroad to study (audience laughs). Or you cannot speakeven a sentence properly. "I-do-not-want-to-talk." Butyou still have to talk! Do you think I like to come to talk everySunday? But if I have work to do, I do it well. I have to readand research. Sometimes what I read is not used. It doesn't matter.Sometimes I make use of a book or a story, and it provides leadsor extended meanings for other stories. With reference to historyand examples, you can understand immediately what I am talkingabout.
Even though this world is by no means permanent,God has granted us this life and this body. That means Hes wantsus to do something with it. Hes gave us a husband or a wife, soHes want us to take care of him or her, cooperate with each other,live and learn together, respect each other, learn to be courteousin life. So we have to do it well. If you cannot even handle ahusband or a wife, what else can you do -- run for presidency?(Audience laughs.) Too many people run for it. You don't haveto try. You will not be able to squeeze in. You don't have muchchance. Practitioners like you only know how to cross their legs.It looks awful sitting in the president's office with crossedlegs. When state affairs are waiting for you to deal with, yousay: "I haven't finished two and a half hours meditationyet. (Master and audience laugh.) I have told you that it's okayto run for the presidency or office, but you have to do it well.If you cannot deal with trivial matters, you will not be ableto handle great works.
